Do You Fit the Description of a Controller or Abuser?
copyright 2003 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Answer these questions honestly:
Do you ever:
____ Embarrass or make fun of your spouse/partner in front of your friends or family?
____ Put down her accomplishments or goals?
____ Demonstrate extreme jealousy?
____ Make her feel like she is unable to make decisions?
____ Yell at her, let your temper get out of control?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance from her?
____ Tell her that she is nothing without you?
____ Treat her roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit her?
____ Call her several times a night or show up to make sure she is where she said she would be? ____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing her?
____ Blame her for how you feel or act?
____ Pressure her sexually for things she isn’t ready for?
____ Show cruelty to animals?
____ Make her feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
____ Prevent her from doing things she wants – like spending time with her friends or family?
____ Try to keep her from leaving after a fight or leave her somewhere after a fight to "teach her a lesson"?
Do you cause your partner to…
____ Sometimes feel scared of you because you make threatening gestures, indirect threats or throw or break objects?
____ Make excuses for your behavior?
____ Believe that she is the only one that needs to change, not you?
____ Avoid conflict and never disagree with you in order to "keep the peace"?
____ Feel like no matter what she does, she can’t please you?
____ Placate you by doing whatever you want and rarely doing what she wants?
____ Stay with you because she is afraid of the consequences of leaving you?
If you have checked any of these symptoms, you have the characteristics of a contoller. If you checked any of these symptoms: physical, sexual abuse, verbal threats, outbursts or rage-ful behavior, harassment, manipulation by fear, cruelty to animals – you fit the description of a batterer and abuser with severe anger and control issues. You need help.
Explore these questions and challenge yourself: What makes you need to force your wife to grant your every wish and expectation? How does it make you feel when someone forces or pressures you to do something you don’t want to do? What kind of love do you want from your spouse/partner? You don’t want to force your spouse to love you. She is a human being – not a robot and she deserves respect, to be treated with dignity, to be cared for and loved in a healthy way. She is your wife – not a thing to manipulate. You need to explore what is driving you to behave like this. You need to discover what fears or frustrations are causing you to batter her. Call a professional counselor at this hotline: 1-800-383-4673. Contact a local Domestic Violence agency for anger management classes. In the USA call the National Domestic Violence Agency at : 1-800-799-7233 or Focus on the Family in Canada. If you live outside the USA see the International Domestic Violence Agency listings. Take one of the online anger management courses and certificates we offer.
What cycle occurs? Spouses who control and manipulate through violence are drawn to spouses (usually women) who are passive.
More often women learn a helpless sort of syndrome becoming victimized- staying in these threatening relationships – fearing financial loss, divorce and possible repercussions from angry spouses if they leave.
Look at the Wheel of Violence here. Power and Control are at the center. This is not a healthy relationship where there is respect, love, equality, safety and trust. This is a relationship where one partner) intimidates, isolates, abuses, threatens, manipulates, etc., the other partner.
Read about How to Know God Personally. Order a book to help your faith grow such as: An Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future by Ray Pritchard.
Grow personally by learning communication skills which will help defuse your anger.
Read theHow do I stop abusing my wife and Assert Yourself! articles
Take this online survey to measure your anger.
Purchase the book What’s Good About Anger? or consider ordering one of the anger management course & certificates below to help you learn coping skills to manage your anger and change your self-talk. Order new Home Study Anger Management course and certificate: this comes with a new workbook and more practical skills and insights! Read more about the book and authors here: What’s Good About Anger
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
~ Lynette J. Hoy, is a marriage and family counselor, speaker, writer and the Chicagoland
Chair of Community and Business Women for Christ. Her newly released book, What’s Good About Anger? can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs. Hoy’s other sites: www.hoyweb.com , www.counselcareconnection.org , www.cbwc.net , www.lifecareweb.com.
Here are ways to order the book or courses:
1. Anger Management Certificate Programs: This includes the online course or book and workbook, recommendations, test, certificate. This distance-learning anger management course is presented by Lynette Hoy, a National Certified Counselor, anger management specialist, marriage and family counselor licensed in the state of Illinois. Certificate is granted when the test is completed.
This online course and book will help you discover the process of anger, when it is harmful and helpful and how to direct your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness.
And read some other books for self-esteem and growing in your faith which you can order through Amazon.com.
The Search for Significance (workbook included) by Robert McGee
The God You Can Trust: Strength for the Times When it’s Hard to Believe by Ray Pritchard
An Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future by Ray Pritchard FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions About the Christian Life by Ray Pritchard
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