Do
you fit the description of a controller or an abuser? Answer
these questions honestly:
Do you ever:
____ Embarrass or make fun of your spouse/partner in front of your friends
or family?
____ Put down her accomplishments or goals?
____ Demonstrate extreme jealousy?
____ Make her feel like she is unable to make decisions?
____ Yell at her, let your temper get out of control?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance from her?
____ Tell her that she is nothing without you?
____ Treat her roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit her?
____ Call her several times a night or show up to make sure she is where she
said she would be? ____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful
things or abusing her?
____ Blame her for how you feel or act?
____ Pressure her sexually for things she isn't ready for?
____ Show cruelty to animals?
____ Make her feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
____ Prevent her from doing things she wants - like spending time with her
friends or family?
____ Try to keep her from leaving after a fight or leave her somewhere after
a fight to "teach her a lesson"?
Do you cause your partner to...
____ Sometimes feel scared of you because you make threatening gestures, indirect
threats or throw or break objects?
____ Make excuses for your behavior?
____ Believe that she is the only one that needs to change, not you?
____ Avoid conflict and never disagree with you in order to "keep the peace"?
____ Feel like no matter what she does, she can't please you?
____ Placate you by doing whatever you want and rarely doing what she wants?
____ Stay with you because she is afraid of the consequences of leaving you?
If you have checked any of these symptoms, you have the characteristics of
a contoller. If you checked any of these symptoms: physical, sexual
abuse, verbal threats, outbursts or rage-ful behavior, harassment, manipulation
by fear, cruelty to animals - you fit the description of a batterer and abuser with severe
anger and control issues. You need help.
Explore these questions and challenge yourself: What makes you need to force
your wife to grant your every wish and expectation? How does it make you feel
when someone forces or pressures you to do something you don't want to do?
What kind of love do you want from your spouse/partner? You don't want to force
your spouse to love you. She is a human being - not a robot and she deserves
respect, to be treated with dignity, to be cared for and loved in a healthy
way. She is your wife - not a thing to manipulate. You need to explore what
is driving you to behave like this. You need to discover what fears or frustrations
are causing you to batter her. Call a professional counselor at this hotline:
1-800-383-4673. Contact a local Domestic Violence agency for anger management
classes. In the USA call the National Domestic
Violence Agency at : 1-800-799-7233 or Focus
on the Family in Canada. If you live outside the USA see the International
Domestic Violence Agency listings. Take one of the online
anger management courses and certificates we offer.
What cycle occurs? Spouses (mostly
men) who control and manipulate through violence are
drawn to spouses (usually women) who are passive.
Women
learn a helpless sort of syndrome becoming victimized-
staying in these threatening relationships - fearing financial
loss, divorce and possible repercussions from angry husbands
if they leave.
Look at the Wheel of Violence here. Power and Control are at the center. This
is not a healthy relationship where there is respect, love, equality, safety
and trust. This is a relationship where one partner) intimidates, isolates,
abuses, threatens, manipulates, etc., the other partner.
~ Lynette J.
Hoy, is a marriage and family counselor, speaker, writer and the
Chicagoland
Chair of Community and Business Women for Christ. Her newly released book,
What's Good About Anger? can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com
or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com , www.counselcareconnection.org
, www.cbwc.net , www.lifecareweb.com.
Here
are ways to order the book or courses:
1. Anger
Management Certificate Programs: This
includes the online course or book and workbook, recommendations, test, certificate.
This distance-learning anger management course is presented by Lynette Hoy,
a National Certified Counselor, anger management specialist, marriage and family
counselor licensed in the state of Illinois. Certificate is granted when the
test is completed.
This online
course and book will help you discover the process of anger, when
it is harmful and helpful and how to direct your anger into faith,
assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness.
3. Order
the What's
Good About Anger? anger management courses,
book and certificates by phone: Call Lynette Hoy at 630-358-1880 and
pay by credit card.
And
read some other books for self-esteem and growing in your faith
which you can order through Amazon.com.
National
Domestic Violence Hotline/Linea Nacional Sobre La Violencia
Domestica: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY For The Deaf/TTY para los Sordos: 1-800-787-3224
Safety
Alert for Battered Women:
Computer use can be monitored and it is impossible to
completely clear information viewed on the Internet from
your computer. If you are in danger, please use a safer
computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National
Domestic Violence Hotline.
Women
learn a helpless sort of syndrome becoming victimized-
staying in these threatening relationships - fearing financial
loss, divorce and possible repercussions from angry husbands
if they leave.