FAQ
When
To Give Up?
When
Should I Give Up?:
©
copyright 2003 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: "I stayed at my mothers last night. You have
no idea the extent of his abuse. Recently, I was
taken to the
hospital were I was in physical therapy 3 days aweek for
over a month to walk correctly and alleviate the pain. I
had a whole in my eardrum from one of the punches to my head.
My daughter called 911 and stopped the beating This has been
a constant pattern. He has been arrested many times only
once did I have him convicted, for the above mentioned beating
because it was so bad. He also mentally tortured me to
the point of constant screaming at me ...tears and begging
on
my knees for two months after that, he served 3 days in jail
for that...thats all. I forgave him on his promise to change.
Then, he punched me in the head because I asked
him to drive. I had a black eye, he was arrested. I testified
it
was false and he was found innocent. He has 3 more pending
cases for charges I won't go into here. Yesterday I was calmly
and I do mean that calmly expressing my need for him to be
more loving and he exploded. He grabbed me, I screamed he
would not let me leave the house I tried to struggle he held
my mouth shut to the point of swelling and blood, I don't
know how much longer I can live like this I hate my life
I am so unhappy, He is very cruel mentally to me, but, I
try to make him happy, cause no waves, swallow my feelings
and
the
hurt but I just can't anymore...what should I do?" Fearing
for my life...
Answer: Dear
Friend, you must leave. You must
get support and counseling. You need to get another
order of protection. Don't go back or look back. Get on with
your life. Your goal is to protect yourself and to let God
protect you and care for you. You need the church and a support
group. He
is a batterer. He has
assaulted and almost killed you! This
is criminal behavior! call
the National Domestic Violence
Agency at : 1-800-799-7233 and get another Order
For Protection (OFP). If
you live outside the USA see the International
Domestic Violence Agency listings. Read the next Q and
A. Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
I've been happily married for over 10 years, until recently
when I was physically abused by my spouse. I've "rationalized"
the beating because, he thought I knew all I know now. His
"advertising" himself online, his affair with another woman,
his "bondage" and "pornography".We are attending marriage
counseling, but, he continues to have strange "changes". Like,
lying, because he is still seeing this woman, changing his
address to her home, even stopping the direct deposit to our
joint checking account.
I am trying so hard to bring this marriage back, but, he's
distant, and doesn't really care. He was on "house arrest"
at my daughter's home, and because of his "time" they set
up for him, (2am 'til 9pm) gave him much opportunity to see
this other woman. Since then, he has moved to his nephew's,
and I have no idea what he's doing, and I know, should care.
His nephew won't even call to let me know how he is, and whether
he even tried to talk to my husband about all this. How can
I "figure" this out, and make our marriage work?? Broken hearted
A:
Dear
Friend,
Do you really want to reconcile with a man who has abused
you, betrayed you and now abandoned you? What kind of relationship
is this? What kind of man is he? Don't you deserve better?
Don't you deserve to have someone in your life who protects
and respects you, honors you, unconditionally loves you and
is committed to you? Read some articles about domestic
violence.
It truly sounds like you are chasing after and hanging onto
someone with whom you will never be able to trust because
of his dishonesty, betrayal and abuse and who is not willing
to change for the better.
Why not let him go? Isn't this the best situation for you?
Why not start a fresh life? You can file for a divorce --
you have biblical and legal grounds for this. It takes two
people to "make a marriage work". If he isn't responsible
on his end to make the radical changes he needs to and to
make your marriage healthy -- then, why pursue him?
I believe his behavior is further demonstation of how severe
his issues are. He is a batterer.
He has assaulted you! This is dangerous! This is criminal
behavior!
He is an adulterer and has left you. That's not a pretty picture.
Why not let God bring you healing, help and hope right now?
You will have to grieve.
You will have to stabilize and get on your feet. But, you
can do it and should do it. Take care of yourself and move
forward. Get involved in a Divorce
Care group and a support
group for women who have been abused.
Read about faith, domestic
violence, anger, divorce,
assertiveness.
Please take heed. God doesn't want your life to be threatened.
God wants you to have a husband who is committed to his vows
and treats you with respect, dignity and love. God bless you!
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC Hoyweb.com
, CounselCare
Connection
Take this online Am
I in an Abusive Relationship?
.
Response from writer: I guess I'm frightened, I'm 50!!
And to start over again is so SCARY! But, I'll look into these
support groups. Thank you, P.
Purchase the book What's
Good About Anger? or consider ordering
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below to help you learn coping skills to manage your anger
and change your self-talk. Order new Home
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Here are 3 ways to order the book or courses:
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This
online course or book will help you discover the process
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your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and
forgiveness.
Lynette
J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC: CounselCare Connection,
1100 Lake Street, Suite 245, Oak
Park, IL 60301.
Order
the What's
Good About Anger? online anger management courses,
book and certificates.
Read the
Domestic Violence,
and Assert
Yourself! articles next.
© copyright 2003 by Lynette
J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
All Rights reserved. No part
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